you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch