I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
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We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.