i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically