I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
