my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the day after is always just damage control
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
