time to smoke my breakfast
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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