My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
