R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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