I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I am mentally ready for anal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
