pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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