I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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