i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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