There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
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