So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize