epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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