i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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