I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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