I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
