Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
