If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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