Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
