3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
