I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
