just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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