I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
