I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
