I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
