Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
