god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
how does that bad decision feel?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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