also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
