im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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