Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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