I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we're making bets on your personal life
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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