why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
