3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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