so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
