dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
