Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
