This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize