And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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