Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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