He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
