I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
