If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
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I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
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You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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