i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
