I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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