Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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