That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
