I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have fence marks all over my body
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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