this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The air was thick with penises
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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