Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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