Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
