umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
