Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
