U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize