are you so shy because you have an std?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
