Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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