I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
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Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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