omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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