I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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