Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
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Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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