Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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