i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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