i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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