Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
